Archive | August 2017

Who am I

Not really sure where my life is headed right now. I’m happy most of the time but then there is that little bit of time when I’m depressed that I get really low. Ive quit a job I’m really passionate about because I couldn’t work for the new manager. Everything about working for her made me hate working. I loved what I did, I was full time with benefits. I had PTO, and made a difference in the company… or so I thought. I joined a company not knowing what to expect because there had been rumors of them shutting down, but when I joined full time I was told they wouldn’t be shutting down any time soon. Well I’m about 3 weeks into this job and I’m now being told that we will prob be shutting down in two months time. How is that fair?? I am going to be losing my job because I’m an idiot. I see my old job doing well even without me and it makes me so mad to see her doing well.  Part of me wants to like her but then she gets an attitude with me, or looks at me like i’m a bitch or something. Did I make a mistake? Are me and my family going to be ok? I’m lost and I don’t know what to do anymore.

We started cleaning out my moms friends apartment, and it’s so sad reading some of her journal. She talks about how she can’t go on and how shes so depressed, and I just think to myself “how can someone be that upset and lonely that they dont realize how make people love them.” but then I realize that sometimes I feel the same way. Do these feelings ever pass or do they always stay with you? I understand how depression works and all but how do you know if you have depression compared to what others are going through. I’m not sure what to do anymore with life, Do i look for something better? Will I ever get my job back or should I just give up on that thought. I don’t know anymore. Most of these blogs I write are just random thoughts I have and some are thoughts I cant get out of my head. I’m  hoping that this reaches someone who understands or can help me with some advice. If not i guess its just a way for me to air out my feelings in a way that most people wont.

 

Well I hope everyone else has a great day… See you soon!

 

 

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I feel stupid

Well Yesterday I found out my company won’t be around much longer so that basically means I will be out of a job. I’m so mad! I just started this job 2 weeks ago, and I specifically asked if they are staying in the lease longer because I need to have a job, and I was giving up a job with benefits and everything. Now if I try to ask for my job back they would either laugh and say no, or  I will get my job back and never get to be manager again. UGH. Why is it that everytime things start going right, they seem to all fall apart. I’m a hard worker and I deserve better. I’m mad at everyone for lying to me but I’m also just so mad at myself. How could I give up a sure thing for this! Now I’m going to be stressed out, which is the reason I left my old job. The thing that sucks the most is my friend is the one who told me to come here and that I was safe. Now I’m screwed.

They did say that I could possibly get a new job with the company that is coming in here, but I don’t even know what company that is. I hope things work out because I don’t know what I will be able to do if they don’t.

 

My day off

There isn’t many days that I just get to hang out. Most days I spend working or running around, and don’t get much time to just chill at home. Today and tomorrow I have off and I loved it lol. I got to spend today with my son, my best friend and Joe. My son is such a little cutie and spends 90% of the time smiling and just being quiet. Joe and I started planning his first birthday party… even though its not for another like 6 months away haha. With all the negativity that is going on in my life, I def needed a day like today. I hope everyone gets days like these in their life, because this is what makes it all worth it. Good night everyone! Talk to you soon!

 

-Chrissy ❤

my life in the past 4 years!

Let’s start out by saying that I am now 27 years old. I started this blog at school back in 2011, and i haven’t been very good at keeping up with it, but I think I need to start updating more often.

I went into broadcasting because it was my passion, the only problem is passion doesn’t always pay the bills. I ended up taking a few months off from my full time job at the airport and working at the radio station, but like all good things, it had to end. I couldn’t get ahead working there which is sad because most people said I was very good at it.

After working at the airport in the electronic store for about 3 years I became assistant manager.  Two years after that my boss ended up leaving and then i got promoted to manager. After a while we ended up getting bought out by another company which was awesome! This company is amazing to their managers, and send them to Vegas for conferences once a year for a week, and the bonuses are nice too when we hit goal. They offer benefits and PTO and I was so happy working for them, and I excelled. Things were going great.

A little over two years ago I got married to the love of my life. The wedding was all Browns themed which some people laugh at, but hey… were clevelanders haha. It was a beautiful wedding and was even featured in some news sites (because my doctor came). We ended up having about 225 people there… yes it was big and yes it was expensive, but hey… you only get married once. Well most people. I ended up getting a little too stressed before the wedding though because about two weeks before I ended up getting Shingles. Not a fun thing to have. It was mostly gone by the time the wedding came around.. thank god. I still fear that I will get it again because they say, once you have it, your more likely to get it again. Let’s move on.

Last year (2016) i ended up getting pregnant. Joe and I were so extremely excited. We found out about 2-3 months in that it was a boy. Of course I wanted a little girl, but now that I have him I wouldn’t trade him for the world! He is a will be a mommas boy for sure! Well because of my horrible health history I was considered high risk from the beginning. I had to switch doctors because of the complications that could arise. Which I wasn’t happy about, but it was a smart move. I had to go for blood tests, and when they got the results they sent me to the hospital because I had a very low blood count. I was from then on anemic from pregnancy. I wish I would have started writing this last year because then I could be more detailed as to what happened, but I was way too emotional. So I was given blood then I was fine…. for the time being. I ended up back in the hospital a few times to get blood (about 5-6 throughout the pregnancy), I also ended up in hospital 2-3 times because I developed a breast infection. My breast was so red, soar to the touch, and hot. I also had a fever of 103-104 at times from it. Once when I was in hospital I was told they would have to do a bone marrow biopsy to figure out what was causing the anemia. I was terrified. I knew from shows, and movies that when they do those they are mostly looking for cancer. At this point my mind went right to thinking I had cancer because what else would an emotional pregnant women on steroids think. I obviously wasn’t right in the head from all the hormones I had going through my body from the steroids and pregnancy. I literally went crazy on some nurses, but they were so nice and calming and helped me feel a little bettter about my situation. I had the biopsy and everything came back fine, but my blood count continued to drop no matter how much blood they gave me and how much steriods they put me on. I mean I was already on 90mg a day which is a lot. Not only was my mind in shambles from everything that was going on and from pregnancy I was just an emotional wreck! I ended up getting so sick that I had to leave work way before my leave should have been and that was devistating (and we will talk about that more later). I ended up becoming diabetic as well in the pregnancy and had to stick my finger 4 times a day, in the morning, and after every meal and record my stats. I couldn’t drink regular soda, which to most is no big deal but I also had to count carbs, which if you know me was extremely hard. This just added even more stress to me. If things weren’t bad enough I had to also stay in the hospital because of course I developed preclampsia. So from Dec 4th- Dec 29th (after I already had Luke) I was stuck in the hospital. I also forgot to mention that we lost my mother in law in September if things weren’t bad enough.

So to sum it up, throughout my pregnancy I had 6-8 blood transfusions, 4 doses of retuxin infusions 1X for 4 weeks. I was put on a high dose of steriods, poked about 100 times, and put on maturnity leave very early. I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m writing to get all the pain out, so I can start to heal, because I am not over all this. There was one amazingly great thing that came out of this whole situation. My son Luke! He was born on Christmas night after 52 hours of labor and a C-section. He was 4lbs 15 oz and 19 inches long, born at 10:25. I couldn’t be more in love with this kid, he is and always will be a part of me, and I don’t ever want him to think that he wasn’t worth it all because he was and still is. Knowing all that I went through, I would do it again for him.

After having him my health started to get back to normal… well what normal is for me. My blood work improved, I wasn’t diabetic anymore, and my emotions were getting back to normal for the most part, Luke was very healthy, other then being a month early and having to sit under the lights for a few days. He ended up staying in  hospital for about a week or so, so they can make sure he was gaining weight and healthy enough. He came home the night of Jan 5th, and I actually ended up back in the hospital that very night because of a high fever, the breast infection was acting up again. I spent about 4-5 days in the hospital and it was killing me to be away from Luke and having to make Joe do it all at first. Of course he had my mom to help, but I’m sure you know what I mean.  When I finally got home I was so happy to just hold my little boy. Although parenting isn’t as easy as my mom made it look haha. He is an amazing kid though. He pretty much slept through the night (1030-7) from month 3, and every check up he has had the doctor said hes doing very well.

So I went back to work in Feb of this year after being out since September. I ended up losing my position as manager because I had to be out so long, which as a business I completely understand, but as a person and a mother I can’t stop being angry. I think that is the real reason I’m writing, I need to get my anger out and maybe see if others are going through the same thing. I worked so very hard from the time I was able to start working (age 16) and taking that demotion made me feel like I did something wrong. So not only was I demoted but with that demotion came a pay cut. I had another mouth to feed now and I was losing 7$/ hour because I had to take time off because I was sick carring my child. I felt so hurt, defeated and angry. How is this even fair? I work hard, harder then a lot of people I know. Never really made any big mistakes and did more then what was asked of me and I got DEMOTED. How can I ever get past this. Anyways, not only was I demoted but I also had a new manager. Now I could tell from the very beginning she didn’t want to hire me and how could I blame her. I would have felt uneasy hiring the old manager back into the store, but corp basically told her it would be stupid not to because I am a reliable, hard worker who puts out good numbers and helps out a lot. Corp did make it clear to me that I wasn’t demoted becaue of performance, but because they had to have a manager and I was technically let go in december after my 12 weeks was up, and they were just rehiring me. Don’t get me wrong I was happy to have a job full time with benefits but I knew exactly what I was missing out on and it killed me everyday. A lot of the times me and her did not get along (my manager) partly because we both started out not liking each other because of the situation we were put in, but she was also lazy, uninformed and lacked the sense of urgency the job needed. She also had a  horrible attitude problem and I can’t work for someone who doesn’t appricate the extra stuff I did and gave me shit at times I didn’t deserve. Sometimes I think she was just not aware of the problems she was causing but I think that made me even more mad. She was the manager and to me wasn’t doing the best job, and I was getting paid way too little (compared to what I use to get) to deal with her mistakes, attitude, and lack of caring. I ended up getting another job as an assistant manager and leaving the store that I helped build. That store was like a child to me which to some people sounds stupid but I started there two weeks after it opened, and was there for about 7 years so of course I was upset I had to give it away. Especially since it wasn’t being taken care of like I cared. I’m hoping that one day I can get my job back and my pay, because she is still causing me problems with her attitude even though I’m two stores away from her.

I’m sorry for the extremely long post but it’s been way too long since I updated this. I will try to be more consistant because I would love for one day to show my son or maybe get a little feedback because I’m so lost. Lost in what to do for me and my family. I still live back with my parents because of how bad my health got, and now I can’t afford my own place, which is killing me mentally. My finances arn’t what they use to be and mentally i’m drained. I’m hoping things improve because the breast infection is back and I’m so depressed. I’m not sure if this will help but here’s hoping. Anyone have any advice on how to get rid of this hate, anger, depression? Or is it always going to be like this. I should be happy, I have what I have always wanted. A loving husbend and a beautiful baby boy, but for some reason I’m just not happy. Help.

If you made it this far, I want to thank you because it has been a very long post.   I’m hoping to hear from someone but I’m not even sure if anyone knows about this page. hmmm.

 

-Chrissy