my life in the past 4 years!

Let’s start out by saying that I am now 27 years old. I started this blog at school back in 2011, and i haven’t been very good at keeping up with it, but I think I need to start updating more often.

I went into broadcasting because it was my passion, the only problem is passion doesn’t always pay the bills. I ended up taking a few months off from my full time job at the airport and working at the radio station, but like all good things, it had to end. I couldn’t get ahead working there which is sad because most people said I was very good at it.

After working at the airport in the electronic store for about 3 years I became assistant manager.  Two years after that my boss ended up leaving and then i got promoted to manager. After a while we ended up getting bought out by another company which was awesome! This company is amazing to their managers, and send them to Vegas for conferences once a year for a week, and the bonuses are nice too when we hit goal. They offer benefits and PTO and I was so happy working for them, and I excelled. Things were going great.

A little over two years ago I got married to the love of my life. The wedding was all Browns themed which some people laugh at, but hey… were clevelanders haha. It was a beautiful wedding and was even featured in some news sites (because my doctor came). We ended up having about 225 people there… yes it was big and yes it was expensive, but hey… you only get married once. Well most people. I ended up getting a little too stressed before the wedding though because about two weeks before I ended up getting Shingles. Not a fun thing to have. It was mostly gone by the time the wedding came around.. thank god. I still fear that I will get it again because they say, once you have it, your more likely to get it again. Let’s move on.

Last year (2016) i ended up getting pregnant. Joe and I were so extremely excited. We found out about 2-3 months in that it was a boy. Of course I wanted a little girl, but now that I have him I wouldn’t trade him for the world! He is a will be a mommas boy for sure! Well because of my horrible health history I was considered high risk from the beginning. I had to switch doctors because of the complications that could arise. Which I wasn’t happy about, but it was a smart move. I had to go for blood tests, and when they got the results they sent me to the hospital because I had a very low blood count. I was from then on anemic from pregnancy. I wish I would have started writing this last year because then I could be more detailed as to what happened, but I was way too emotional. So I was given blood then I was fine…. for the time being. I ended up back in the hospital a few times to get blood (about 5-6 throughout the pregnancy), I also ended up in hospital 2-3 times because I developed a breast infection. My breast was so red, soar to the touch, and hot. I also had a fever of 103-104 at times from it. Once when I was in hospital I was told they would have to do a bone marrow biopsy to figure out what was causing the anemia. I was terrified. I knew from shows, and movies that when they do those they are mostly looking for cancer. At this point my mind went right to thinking I had cancer because what else would an emotional pregnant women on steroids think. I obviously wasn’t right in the head from all the hormones I had going through my body from the steroids and pregnancy. I literally went crazy on some nurses, but they were so nice and calming and helped me feel a little bettter about my situation. I had the biopsy and everything came back fine, but my blood count continued to drop no matter how much blood they gave me and how much steriods they put me on. I mean I was already on 90mg a day which is a lot. Not only was my mind in shambles from everything that was going on and from pregnancy I was just an emotional wreck! I ended up getting so sick that I had to leave work way before my leave should have been and that was devistating (and we will talk about that more later). I ended up becoming diabetic as well in the pregnancy and had to stick my finger 4 times a day, in the morning, and after every meal and record my stats. I couldn’t drink regular soda, which to most is no big deal but I also had to count carbs, which if you know me was extremely hard. This just added even more stress to me. If things weren’t bad enough I had to also stay in the hospital because of course I developed preclampsia. So from Dec 4th- Dec 29th (after I already had Luke) I was stuck in the hospital. I also forgot to mention that we lost my mother in law in September if things weren’t bad enough.

So to sum it up, throughout my pregnancy I had 6-8 blood transfusions, 4 doses of retuxin infusions 1X for 4 weeks. I was put on a high dose of steriods, poked about 100 times, and put on maturnity leave very early. I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m writing to get all the pain out, so I can start to heal, because I am not over all this. There was one amazingly great thing that came out of this whole situation. My son Luke! He was born on Christmas night after 52 hours of labor and a C-section. He was 4lbs 15 oz and 19 inches long, born at 10:25. I couldn’t be more in love with this kid, he is and always will be a part of me, and I don’t ever want him to think that he wasn’t worth it all because he was and still is. Knowing all that I went through, I would do it again for him.

After having him my health started to get back to normal… well what normal is for me. My blood work improved, I wasn’t diabetic anymore, and my emotions were getting back to normal for the most part, Luke was very healthy, other then being a month early and having to sit under the lights for a few days. He ended up staying in  hospital for about a week or so, so they can make sure he was gaining weight and healthy enough. He came home the night of Jan 5th, and I actually ended up back in the hospital that very night because of a high fever, the breast infection was acting up again. I spent about 4-5 days in the hospital and it was killing me to be away from Luke and having to make Joe do it all at first. Of course he had my mom to help, but I’m sure you know what I mean.  When I finally got home I was so happy to just hold my little boy. Although parenting isn’t as easy as my mom made it look haha. He is an amazing kid though. He pretty much slept through the night (1030-7) from month 3, and every check up he has had the doctor said hes doing very well.

So I went back to work in Feb of this year after being out since September. I ended up losing my position as manager because I had to be out so long, which as a business I completely understand, but as a person and a mother I can’t stop being angry. I think that is the real reason I’m writing, I need to get my anger out and maybe see if others are going through the same thing. I worked so very hard from the time I was able to start working (age 16) and taking that demotion made me feel like I did something wrong. So not only was I demoted but with that demotion came a pay cut. I had another mouth to feed now and I was losing 7$/ hour because I had to take time off because I was sick carring my child. I felt so hurt, defeated and angry. How is this even fair? I work hard, harder then a lot of people I know. Never really made any big mistakes and did more then what was asked of me and I got DEMOTED. How can I ever get past this. Anyways, not only was I demoted but I also had a new manager. Now I could tell from the very beginning she didn’t want to hire me and how could I blame her. I would have felt uneasy hiring the old manager back into the store, but corp basically told her it would be stupid not to because I am a reliable, hard worker who puts out good numbers and helps out a lot. Corp did make it clear to me that I wasn’t demoted becaue of performance, but because they had to have a manager and I was technically let go in december after my 12 weeks was up, and they were just rehiring me. Don’t get me wrong I was happy to have a job full time with benefits but I knew exactly what I was missing out on and it killed me everyday. A lot of the times me and her did not get along (my manager) partly because we both started out not liking each other because of the situation we were put in, but she was also lazy, uninformed and lacked the sense of urgency the job needed. She also had a  horrible attitude problem and I can’t work for someone who doesn’t appricate the extra stuff I did and gave me shit at times I didn’t deserve. Sometimes I think she was just not aware of the problems she was causing but I think that made me even more mad. She was the manager and to me wasn’t doing the best job, and I was getting paid way too little (compared to what I use to get) to deal with her mistakes, attitude, and lack of caring. I ended up getting another job as an assistant manager and leaving the store that I helped build. That store was like a child to me which to some people sounds stupid but I started there two weeks after it opened, and was there for about 7 years so of course I was upset I had to give it away. Especially since it wasn’t being taken care of like I cared. I’m hoping that one day I can get my job back and my pay, because she is still causing me problems with her attitude even though I’m two stores away from her.

I’m sorry for the extremely long post but it’s been way too long since I updated this. I will try to be more consistant because I would love for one day to show my son or maybe get a little feedback because I’m so lost. Lost in what to do for me and my family. I still live back with my parents because of how bad my health got, and now I can’t afford my own place, which is killing me mentally. My finances arn’t what they use to be and mentally i’m drained. I’m hoping things improve because the breast infection is back and I’m so depressed. I’m not sure if this will help but here’s hoping. Anyone have any advice on how to get rid of this hate, anger, depression? Or is it always going to be like this. I should be happy, I have what I have always wanted. A loving husbend and a beautiful baby boy, but for some reason I’m just not happy. Help.

If you made it this far, I want to thank you because it has been a very long post.   I’m hoping to hear from someone but I’m not even sure if anyone knows about this page. hmmm.




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