Not something I normally would talk about but have you ever felt like you are living on borrowed time? Not sure why but I feel like that all the time. I guess growing up with health issues made me think about it a lot as a kid, but I feel like the more recent years I have thought about this much more. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, or maybe it’s just something I’ll always think about. It just sucks because sometimes it keeps me up at night. I think of all the issues I’ve had especially in recent years and I can’t stop but think to myself “is this it? Is this all that I get to experience? Am I going to leave this world and leave my son without a mother and my husband without a wife”. Every little thing that goes wrong makes me feel like it’s the end, and I’m not sure how to stop that feeling. It’s not always there… but it is when I’m at my lowest times and even some not so low times. I know everyone is scared of dying (well.. at least most) but how do u stop thinking about it, how do you condition your mind to stop thinking like that? Not really sure because it seems like everyday has its own issues. I’m either depressed, throwing up, having lower stomach cramps/pains and other intestine issues… it’s hard to remember the good days when everything is fine. Staying happy and positive on the outside is a breeze and most can’t see through it, but deep down I’m dying. It’s mostly my own fault because there are things I’m not willing to change yet, some because I just don’t care enough (which I should) but others will be harder because it helps me feel better. It’s hard to remind myself that even though it makes me feel better mentally, and physically that if I can’t afford it, then I need to cut it down, but it’s so hard when that’s the one thing that is keeping you positive and able to manage pain. So tired of needing help from family when I should be able to survive on my own. Sometimes it’s hard to not give up (even though you really never would),but sometimes it sounds better then dealing with all the bs. This year has definitely been hard on some and I’m trying my best to stay happy inside but I know I need to change in order to be happy, I just don’t know if I can do it. I’m too tired, to warn down and tired of feeling like shit all the time and not ever knowing what issue it’s coming from…. on top of being too scared to figure out what is actually going on in my head… I’m just tired of reality and need a break I guess lol
Good night
thesnackpakshow 