It’s been a bit since I posted but there’s been so much on my mind lately. I had a bunch of mini strokes last year on July 3rd and I don’t know why but recently just feel off. Every night I stress over every weird feeling. I don’t know if there is actually something really wrong or if I am just over thinking all the time and just scared. Maybe I should see a therapist or something, who knows. Just hoping my mind clears soon so I can rest and not be so stressed and worried all the time. I’m 33 and I am just scared that one day my son won’t have a mother. Other then my nightly freak out In my own head, things are good. My job is going great and we just got to take a mini vacay paid for by work, so that was nice. Well maybe I’ll write again soon.
A year has past
Been a while since I posted but since I can’t seem to sleep I guess I’ll post an update. So a lot has happened in the last year or so, I switched jobs which I have to say was the best decision I’ve made in a while. Now I work as a claims adjuster (started jan 10th) and the company I work for has been amazing. I’ve had some health issues but nothing more crazy then the mini strokes I just had. Yup, 32 and I had a bunch of mini strokes on July 3rd. It was probably the scariest things I’ve ever gone through, not being able to speak or read well, it felt like I knew all the answers and what I needed to say but everything was scrambled in my head. I kept seeing these spinning rainbow circles, and vomiting then pretty much all that Monday I don’t remember much other then the giant never ending headache. I was in the hospital for almost a week and I just wanted nothing more then to be home with luke. I did get to FaceTime with him so that was nice and he kept telling me he missed me and asked when I would come home. He melts my heart, he’s such a good hearted kid. He tests his luck but what child doesn’t at 5 haha. I know I baby him at times but when my health gets bad it makes me feel like I don’t have much time left so I gotta do what I can now. Anyways, luckily with the strokes I don’t have any residuals other then maybe a tiny bit of weakness in my left hand. My typing is a bit off but getting better (thank you spell check haha). The headaches are getting better if not existent right now so that’s good too. I just wish things were better, I know part of it is my fault from how I eat and stuff but it’s not the easiest thing in the world or cheapest to do either, but I will try. I’m so exhausted but can’t seem to sleep hence the blogging. Well, at least I work from home now so I can sleep in a bit more and don’t have to get up at 3am. Well imma try to sleep now, I’ll write again soon and update how things are… hope everyone else is doing better 😊
Ugh
Will things ever get better for me?? I’ve been laying here for 2 hours trying to get to sleep. It’s going on 11, and I have to be up by 4 at the latest. All day I’ve been exhausted and the moment I can lay to rest, my stomach starts. So much pain I can’t sleep, but can’t call off tomorrow because my assistant already did and my DM will be in town and I have to be there for his paperwork and to escort him and train my two new girls. I just want the pain in my stomach to stop, I need to sleep. 😭
Exhausted
Sometimes life feels like it’s too exhausting. Tired of feeling like crap, sick of complaining about feeling like crap, and sick of trying to fix what’s wrong. Life is exhausting sometimes and I think I just need a good nights sleep.. just not sure when that will actually happen these days. My head and throat hurts, have had a headache on and off all day, and my stomach is still having issues along with my back getting worse. Imma try to sleep now, hopefully it will help.
-Chrissy
Shitty day
Well had the endoscopy today and it took them like 8 tries to get an iv which they had to do in my foot which hurt like fuck. Then to find out they didn’t see anything so they are still saying gastroenteritis which means I took off a day of work and went through all this shit for nothing. Still waiting to see a neurosurgeon for my back/neck. Just sick of the same old shit and I’m at my wits end. Can something please go right? I’m losing motivation to do anything these days, just wanna sleep. Don’t wanna talk to anyone, just wanna be alone. Hopefully things change soon.
Night
-Chrissy
Recently
Recently I have been feeling sick. I’ve been on the ER more days then I have worked in the past month lol my stomach is on and off all day everyday and is so inconsistent it’s hard to tell how I will feel in the next hour let alone the next day. My neck is starting to get soar from the tumor (non cancerous they said) and since it’s on or near my spine i have to see a neurosurgeon and no apt till March 29th so now I just wait and hope it gets better and not worse. I’m honestly a bit more nervous about this upcoming surgery more then any one recently. If they hit a nerve of this tumor hits the nerve wrong I could lose feeling again and the doc said I would prob have to go to physical therapy depending how bad it is. Like if things go wrong technically I could lose feeling in my limbs (at least from what they have said). I know I shouldn’t sit and stir over things I can’t control but I just want it over with. I’m sick of being sick… and feeling nauseous and dry heaving. Well here’s hoping things get better soon.
Life sucks most of the time
I’m kinda getting sick of things. Seems anytime my life starts to go normal something happens. I finally got to move back to Ohio for work back in October and since moving back I’ve had more issues. First my neck gets strained and my whole back literally swells up… finally get that taken care of and boom my whole body goes numb because of the strain…. then I’m back with kidney stones again. This time stents are in my kidney. So I’m always needing to pee and poo and my stomach kills. My follow up apt is today and I’m not ready to go back to work cuz of the cramps and multiple bathroom breaks that last forever each time. I’m sick of waking up in pain to go use the restroom. I’m tired of having to explain my pain to people. I’m just mentally and physically exhausted. Plus my grandma isn’t doing well… covid is still crazy, and I’m just done. Ugh… hopefully things get better soon 😞
Borrowed time
Not something I normally would talk about but have you ever felt like you are living on borrowed time? Not sure why but I feel like that all the time. I guess growing up with health issues made me think about it a lot as a kid, but I feel like the more recent years I have thought about this much more. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, or maybe it’s just something I’ll always think about. It just sucks because sometimes it keeps me up at night. I think of all the issues I’ve had especially in recent years and I can’t stop but think to myself “is this it? Is this all that I get to experience? Am I going to leave this world and leave my son without a mother and my husband without a wife”. Every little thing that goes wrong makes me feel like it’s the end, and I’m not sure how to stop that feeling. It’s not always there… but it is when I’m at my lowest times and even some not so low times. I know everyone is scared of dying (well.. at least most) but how do u stop thinking about it, how do you condition your mind to stop thinking like that? Not really sure because it seems like everyday has its own issues. I’m either depressed, throwing up, having lower stomach cramps/pains and other intestine issues… it’s hard to remember the good days when everything is fine. Staying happy and positive on the outside is a breeze and most can’t see through it, but deep down I’m dying. It’s mostly my own fault because there are things I’m not willing to change yet, some because I just don’t care enough (which I should) but others will be harder because it helps me feel better. It’s hard to remind myself that even though it makes me feel better mentally, and physically that if I can’t afford it, then I need to cut it down, but it’s so hard when that’s the one thing that is keeping you positive and able to manage pain. So tired of needing help from family when I should be able to survive on my own. Sometimes it’s hard to not give up (even though you really never would),but sometimes it sounds better then dealing with all the bs. This year has definitely been hard on some and I’m trying my best to stay happy inside but I know I need to change in order to be happy, I just don’t know if I can do it. I’m too tired, to warn down and tired of feeling like shit all the time and not ever knowing what issue it’s coming from…. on top of being too scared to figure out what is actually going on in my head… I’m just tired of reality and need a break I guess lol
Good night
Over 2.5 months
Well it’s been over two and a half months now of quarantine, which I have spent with my son and husband so it’s not bad. I signed up for unemployment early so when I needed to certify I could right away which made my life easier.. all my employees are taken care of right now and we are slowly opening some stores and seeing how it goes.
I have a dentist apt this week and I’m pretty sure they are going to have to pull a tooth… which I’m so stressing over… I’m so nervous I’m shaking. I know I have to go but I’m so scared. I have enough anxiety as it is lol. I hope everyone out there is doing well, although I know it’s been hard For a lot of families.
I’m hoping to go back to work soon but at the same time I’m so scared to catch this virus. I have gone through so much the last few years, this is the last thing I need to catch.
I checked on on some friends and have plans on checking on others soon.. it’s just been crazy. Crazy busy being crazy bored. Lol life is just so up in the air right now with everything. I’m trying to get my dr Apts up to date and see how my brain scans are. I would love to know but there is so much anxiety with that too, I’m scared to get the tests done because that means they might have an answer if it’s getting better or worse.
Well I’m going to try to get some rest, lord knows this boy will wake me up early haha. Goodnight friends
-Chrissy
Still in quarantine
Well it’s been over a month and other then running to get groceries and necessities we are still just staying at home. A lot of people have died from Covid-19 now and it’s quite scary. It’s a catch 22 when it comes to staying home and not working. I love having the extra time with the family, I’ve been able to eat healthier from cutting fruits and veggies and cooking and no fast food. But I do miss my job, I know it’s not going to be like it was before. Masks are probably going to be essential for business especially in the airports. I haven’t updated in a while, but I will try. Michigan is still hit pretty hard but getting a little better. There is protesters at the capital because they think the strict rules are fringing on their rights which I totally understand but it’s for the best so we can stop spreading this around much. I don’t see why people just don’t get that. Yes the economy is going to tank, but we can come back from that… we can’t come back from the dead and I for sure didn’t go through the shit I have gone through the past 30 years to die of a stupid virus because people can’t wear a mask in public. Ugh people aggravate me. Other then that we have spent a lot of family time together that we wouldn’t have so at least I have that. I try to work out everyday, along with some yoga to help relax, and my hubby is so good about making sure I have time. Well I hope our stores don’t open too early and we all get sick, but I am grateful to have a job to go back to. Good night all and talk soon!
-Chrissy
thesnackpakshow 